Fear
by dsaANON
Summary: Redone. The world is a fearsome place but as you cower - not only do you harm yourself but others around you as well. ShizNat. Introspective.
1. Your Fear

**A/N:** Edited and re-uploaded since it seemed the ending was a bit too ambiguous for some readers. And also there will be follow up chapters to come!

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**Your Fear**

I was always hurt.

_"I'm sorry, Shizuru."_

You couldn't return my feelings and I understood that - I know this world isn't so perfect that I would get everything that I want – I understood, but I was in pain none-the-less.

Perhaps, I had been too pompous in reading into your signs and actions – but I was confident – I was sure that you returned my feelings.

I knew I was special to you, just as you knew you were special to me.

Yet we never spoke a word of it – keeping that gap between you and I, we refused to put those unspoken emotions into words; to make our fears into reality; to take that step to our public damnation and scorn.

Then that night came, when I no longer had the strength to lie to myself, I fell and you... You shied away in fear.

_"No!"_

I had hoped that we would walk this path together; that you would follow my lead and brave the storm with me – side-by-side – but as I watched you cower in fear I wondered: is this world really so fearsome that you'd rather deny your true self than to face it?

It was then I decided: the world was to blame; that I had to save you from your fears; that the only solution was to rid ourselves of the world – even if it was wrong; even if I had to become a monster to do so - as long as we could be together...

But I failed – and horribly so.

In my quest to rid you of your dreads I bloodied my hands but as my actions were for you I was ultimately soiling yours. I thought you hated me for what I had become; for doing it all in your name; I thought you couldn't forgive me – and that you could no longer love me as a monster.

As I held you in my arms that night in the church, I wished that I had never burnt that bridge and crossed the point of no return; I wished I could go back – where we kept our distance but secretly knew each other's place in our hearts – at least then we were together.

At that time, I finally realised that with my actions – I was hurting you.

You were hurt that I had become a monster and that you were my reason for doing so - you were hurt because you still loved me.

_"I can't have the feelings that you wish I did."_

I recall those words you spoke as you gently tucked away strands on my hair.

I knew better than to believe those lies, but still I accepted them.

I convinced myself that it was my fault for misunderstanding you and ignored the remorse in your eyes; the slight tremble in your hands and the heart-wrenching pain you must have felt as you resumed that façade to yourself and the world.

Even at the face of death you couldn't escape that lie – that was how afraid you were.

When we returned, I refused to acknowledge your fear; refused to believe you loved me as I did you because it was easier to believe this pain was one-sided – I didn't want to see your insecurity and feel compelled to save you.

Because I can't.

It was easier to believe in your lie - it was better than to know: you were more scared of the world than you had cared for me.

But there was no escape. You never left me; you never avoided me or kept away – in a crowd surrounded by your friends you always found your way to my side. I deceived myself to believe it was because you felt obliged – to make me feel welcomed and accepted, despite my unrequited feelings – but in time it became hard to ignore that it wasn't so.

You stayed close, to keep me close. You enjoy the attention and the affection I showed you: you basked and lingered in my presence – reluctant to leave but you still feared what others may think; you feared what it meant; you feared the truth.

You couldn't handle your reality and I wasn't going to force you - everyone have their reasons; their own pace. They were your demons; your life - you had to challenge it when you were ready and willing.

But your fear was killing me.

I love you more than anything but I also grew to hate you. I couldn't take the pain; I couldn't take the bitter and hateful feelings that accompanied what should only bring happiness.

And I, too, was a coward.

_"England? But I thought you got into Fuuka U..."_

_"I did, and they have an exchange programme with a university in England - its open to all students."_

_"Oh... Well… it is a good opportunity..."_

I still recall the struggle in your voice - the ache and reluctance it held - it took every fibre of my being to feign ignorance and turn a blind eye to the agony we both felt.

But I just couldn't handle a confrontation… or to face the truth that I myself dread: that you… that you mayd choose to hide from your fear than to accept me.

We were both cowards.

_"Please don't go."_

My eyes had widened in shock as your hand struck out and held mine – that was in the midst of filling out the application.

I felt the tremble in your firm grip and the desperation in your voice.

I released my hold on the pen and slipped my hand from yours to sit back and cover my face in silent agony.

We both knew what the student exchange truly was – a way to put _this_ to rest once and for all - but what? What are you doing now?

_"Natsuki"_

I started - my voice cracking at her very name. My hand still covering my broken mask as tears spilt through.

We have to end this. We have to.

… But we are both so weak.

You rushed to hold me - prying my hand away to kiss away my tears – and at long last the two of us faced our fears.

My hands found its way to clasp onto the sleeves of your shirt as you repeated to me, between your own sobs:

_"I'm sorry, Shizuru. I won't run anymore."_

We were always hurt.

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**A/N: **Its a happy ending. Really, trust me it is! (Here's a hint: emphasis on the past tense "were". If you still don't believe me, wait until the later chapter)


	2. My Fear

**A/N:** Natsuki's PoV

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**Overcoming My Fear**

"_I'm sorry, Shizuru"_

I was afraid of love.

I hated the concept and despised its existence… Because it is too powerful of an emotion to exist within one's heart.

I loved my mother and I know the lengths of which that single emotion can drive you.

Its potential power to incite vengeance and loyalty that can last for years and never seem to fade or soften with time; the single-minded and blind devotion to the person engraved upon your heart; and the utter devastation from the lost or betrayal that very person can cause – all because of that one feeling: love.

But what I feared the most was the sheer magnitude of that passion you brought forth from within me – I was scared because of how strongly it pulled me and how deep the chasm appeared, even from the fringe of my heart.

I knew if I acknowledged those feelings it would be the end of me, and I was afraid.

Every time I saw you or thought of you that feeling would gnaw the edges of my heart – eating me from the inside out – I always knew in the back of my mind what those feelings had meant and that they were returned, but I couldn't accept that love. Love had always been, in my mind, a source of great pain, so why? Why would I pursue one that, in our society, will guarantee it?

I was confident you felt the same – the same about the fear and anxiety of how complicated our love would have been. It swayed us to an understanding – we kept a relationship that allowed our co-existence with each other and those feelings without shaking the worlds we were already in.

Yet that night come where our precarious balance came to an end – you broke the spell and offered your hand to me to brave the world together but I was scared.

Like a frightened child I screamed and cowered away.

"_No!"_

I had cried.

I wasn't ready – no, I simply didn't want to accept my love for you because I couldn't be in love.

With the bitter taste of my own mother's betrayal still fresh in my mouth I could not even consider the possibility of us – love was evil and purely torturous and I cannot survive another – especially one as strong as the one we shared.

I was raked with guilt from the pain I caused you at that very moment – I hated myself for fearing the world, myself and you –with the hold you had over me.

As I watched and took in the carnage and ruin you left behind – all in the name of love – it only emphasised the horrors love can bring to one's life. And it hurt – it hurt so much to see you lose yourself because of me; because of that feeling I wanted no part of.

Love will only bring pain and our love is bound to that fate.

So I told lies – lies to keep us safe; to keep us protected. I told you – and myself – an untruth that I wanted nothing more than to be reality…

_"I can't have the feelings that you wish I did."_

Yet, why? Why after all my efforts did I succumb to this disease? Why is it despite every lie I told, do I find my self unable to part from you?

_"England? But I thought you got into Fuuka U..."_

_"I did, and they have an exchange programme with a university in England - its open to all students."_

_"Oh... Well it is a good opportunity..."_

You always knew me best. You knew what it was that I was doing and what it was that I was avoiding.

You knew I was weak which is why you were the one leaving.

This is what I wanted, isn't it? A solution to our problem: a way for the both of us to let go and abandon this ill-fated emotion called love.

It's what I wanted… isn't it?

_"Please don't go."_

I practically begged as my hand struck out to grasp yours.

It was too painful to watch – the fluid and carefree motions of your gliding hand, filling out the student exchange form.

Why? Why is it despite our efforts to hide from pain that we're hurting so much?

I didn't want you to go but I was so scared – my hands were shaking.

Again and again I asked myself: 'Why can't we make this work? Why can't we stay the same? Even in this unstable balance, why can't we stay just the same? Together – but safe from this harmful world that opposes us.'

You withdrew your hand and covered your face before your weakened voice called my name.

_"Natsuki"_

I had always been afraid of love – I knew the pain and tragedy that comes along with it, but I never thought I could instil that same dread in you.

What have I done?

I took away your love and replaced it with fear and pain. I was the one hurting you.

What have I done?

I rushed to eliminate that little distance between us and pried away that hand that obscured your face - I planted gentle kisses to take away your tears.

Your hands found the sleeves of my shirt and grasped them with desperation, as I chanted:

_"I'm sorry, Shizuru. I won't run anymore."_

For you, I will face the frightening emotion called love.

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**A/N:** The last chapter will take a bit longer... What I have isn't fluffy enough, and I'm not in a fluff writing mood to improve it.


	3. Our Bravery

**Our Bravery**

"I'm not letting you go." The desperation and seriousness was not only conveyed by her low toned voice but also from the firm grip she held around the red-eyed girl's wrist.

"But... Natsuki." Shizuru's heart melted at the sight of Natuski's pleading eyes.

"No! You can't-! I won't-! Shizuru, I can't bear to see you go. Please! Please just stay." The biker begged as her hold on that delicate wrist never wavered and her other arm wrapped itself around the waist of the girl who stood in front of her - gently she drew Shizuru back to the seat beside her.

Shizuru sighed weakly - a feeble attempt at protest whilst her body surrendered to the biker's appeal.

"Natsuki! If Fujino-san wants to have some fun - let her!" Mai cried exasperatedly - falling onto the long couch the lovebirds were situated on within the loud and busy atmosphere of the karaoke room.

Emerald green eyes glared threateningly at purple – conveyance of murderous annoyance whilst her body continued to cuddle her intoxicated girlfriend and kept said girlfriend from leaving her protective hold.

"Look. If she was just singing, then everything is just fine and dandy but - like hell - am I going to let her up on stage in what-ever god forsaken costume Midori have lined up behind those curtains!" Natsuki hissed - her mood fouled by the effects of alcohol and the horror she narrowly saved her love from.

"Mou! Natsuki-chin is such a party-pooper, and I had such a nice outfit lined up for kaichou-san!" Their former teacher joined in with a bottle of sake in hand.

Natsuki rolled her eyes at Midori's typical antics whilst the two voluptuous red heads began a struggle where one tried to force the other to drink.

"Oh, I like this song Natsuki" Shizuru murmured in her tired drunken haze before she snuggled closer into Natsuki's hold.

"Mm!" Natsuki hummed - as she cradled her lover's head and stared lovingly at her now sleeping face.

The chaos surrounding them - were long forgotten.

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The bright blazing rays shone through the empty apartment window – it glazed the carpet and tiles with light as a girl with midnight blue hair crossed the room with a cardboard box in hand.

She dropped the heavy item on the floor - with a dull thud and a huff she turned up her sights to the clear view outside – she swallowed the sickening feeling of nausea before it melted away into a dazzling smile.

"Natsuki, maybe you should put that closer to the wall so it won't get in the mover's way." Shizuru directed as she entered their new apartment.

With subtlety, she touched the wall to brace her unsteady self that had yet to recover from her last night's adventures.

"Oh right." Natsuki answered before shuffling her box of trinkets with her foot to avoid unsettling her stomach from the movement.

"Ma'am, where would you like the desk?" A gruff man asked as he and his co-worker carried a desk through the doorframe of the apartment's threshold.

"In the bedroom on the left, please." The red-eyed college girl replied – stepping aside to make way for the heavy furniture.

"And what about these, Fujino-san?" Mai asked as she and the gang filed in one by one with boxes in hand.

"In the kitchen please." Shizuru answered. "Thank you so very much for helping us move, Mai-san. I'm not sure Natsuki would have been able to move everything herself."

A mischievous grin was exchanged by all and the biker chuckled quietly to herself but soon regretted it when her hung over state made it presence known again.

"You don't have to thank us, Fujino-san. Natsuki would have had our heads if we didn't help - especially after the two of you joined our karaoke night last night." Mai replied as everyone followed her instructions and filed into the kitchen.

Natsuki smiled happily to herself as she watched their apartment slowly fill with items that are now "_theirs_" and found her way to her lover's side to intertwine their hands.

"You don't regret not taking that exchange program, do you?" The biker asked quietly – feeling guilty for taking the brunette away from an invaluable venture.

"No, Natsuki." Shizuru replied – squeezing her girlfriend's hand with reassurance. "I much rather brave a storm with my Natsuki than be anywhere else."

The porcelain white cheeks framed and contrasted by Natsuki's navy blue hair blushed red as an earnest grin graced her face.

She planted several affectionate kisses upon her lover's features – the two basked in the warmth they felt.

There was nothing to fear.

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**Author's Rambles: **I really have not been in a writing mood lately. The second part is what I had originally wrote, and then I added the first to fluff/beef the ending up a little.

Thanks for reading! Toodles!


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